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A few weeks ago a young woman came to me for a consultation. She impressed me as being very depressed as she sat slouched on her chair. When I asked her what brought her to me she reported that she didn't know any longer what she should do. Her friend, whom she loved very much accused her of being unfaithful and his unfounded jealousy placed a great burden on their relationship. Since the couple had already talked with me about the problem a few weeks before and the man also appeared to be really concerned ('I don't know myself anymore!') I suggested that they set up a family constellation. They both agreed. In a family constellation the internal perception
of either the family of origin or the present family (e.g. father,
mother, siblings or the partner and children ...) are represented
by members of the group attending the session. The underlying
question is always: Are there unconscious systemic entanglements
which might have generated unhappy relationships, difficult fateful
occurrences, accidents, illness or unhappy behavior patterns?
If entanglements become evident the family constellation is respectfully
re-ordered and changed providing a visible solution at the conclusion
of the session. By re-internalizing the visible solution the client
who set up the constellation often receives lasting positive and
healing benefits.
The family constellation of the young couple which we set up with help of group members representing the relatives (i.e. the woman's partner and a representative for herself) resulted in the following situation: The young man was angry and accused his girlfriend of infidelity, all of which corresponded to the current situation so far. I then brought her mother and her father into the constellation. The woman's mother said she felt ashamed. At that point the person representing the young woman began to cry spontaneously. So I asked my client what had happened. She replied, as tearfully as her representative, that her mother had had an affair with another man and had told no one except her. In the first place the situation put a heavy strain on the daughter. If she told her mother's secret she would betray her. If she kept it to herself she would have to be dishonest to her father. The mother was relieved as she had transferred to her daughter the burden of keeping the secret. The father had also taken the easy way out: Although he was the right one to confront his wife he refrained from doing so. It came out in the constellation that he knew about the affair and it wasn't even a secret anymore.
But the daughter who loved both parents the same unconsciously consented to bear the burden and let her partner make the accusations of infidelity to her - in place of her father. The solution became clear. I brought the young woman herself into the constellation asking her to say to her mother's representative: 'Dear Mom, I love you and Dad the same. I am only your daughter and your marital secrets are none of my business. Now I return the secret to you.' The woman was sobbing quietly. She told her father that she loved both of them very much. Then she stood next to her boyfriend. He hugged her and they both smiled at each other. The picture needed no further explanation. Using a term of systemic therapy the situation was characterized
by a so called double shift. The daughter stands in for her mother
and carries the burden in her place - out of love that is. The
daughter's boyfriend feels that his girlfriend is holding something
back (i.e. the secret) and he feels compelled to make the accusations
that her father withheld. Applying Bert Hellinger's methods of systemic family therapy has enormously enriched my professional as well as my personal life. Working with family constellations - as originally practiced by him - taught me that the often quoted impediment that keeps a person from having an enjoyable life or good health is quite meaningful. It even deserves the highest respect. If you look closer - that means if you look with your heart - the impediment reveals itself to be an expression of profound love, usually for a close relative or a loved one, and thus unintentionally generates a negative pattern.
Let me give an example. If among siblings one sister or brother
dies prematurely it may affect one of the remaining siblings in
a way that he/she wants to follow that sibling into death. He/she
may attract accidents or generally start to give her-/himself
a hard time, e.g. by developing bad health, an addiction, professional
failure or unhappy relationships. By doing so he/she attempts
to get close to the lost loved one - close in suffering. A balance for good could be like this: A woman attends the seminar to set up her family. While investigating the family history she learned that one of her aunts was handicapped and was put into a nursing home. The woman and her husband adopted a handicapped child because she 'always had the feeling that someone was missing.' Without actually knowing that she served the system's need for balance, she transferred the love and care her aunt didn't receive to another handicapped person who needed it. By setting up the family her aunt finally received her rightful place in the family and as a consequence the adopted daughter felt no longer obliged to replace the missing family member and gained more personal freedom.
The next example demonstrates a balance for the worst. It reflects
a common drama unfortunately occurring quite often in the daily
lives of many people. A mother came to me and asked for help with
her eighteen year old daughter who had an eating disorder. She
had lost so much weight that a stay in the hospital seemed to
be unavoidable. The mother set up the present family with the
help of participants in the group, representing her husband, herself
and her daughter. The daughter could hardly stand up and said
that she was sad and very angry at her mother. The husband said
right away: 'She isn't my daughter.' I asked my client if she
would like to comment on that. She answered that she had become
pregnant before she had married her present husband and that she
had been very much in love with the first man, but only for a
short time. Since that time she had no contact with him. I asked
a man from the group to represent the daughter's biological father
and put him into the constellation. He said he was sad and angry.
Family dynamics are supposed to bring about a balance to the
system as a whole. But in effect they merely aggravate the situation,
as the individual who tries to reverse former imbalance usually
suffers catastrophic personal consequences. The medium of the
balance is love, the basis of which are the powerful bonds of
birth, partnership or unreconciled guilt.
Whenever systemic entanglements have an effect on us, we seem
to function in an archaic state of being best described by the
emotional circumstances in a child's world. In a child's world
love is a thing of magic and it goes beyond life and death. It's
a painful experience however when the childlike magical love perseveres
in an adult, as it is blind to personal happiness as well as to
the dangers of life-threatening circumstances. The adult may complain
about his helplessness and vulnerability to the forces of chance,
but deep down in the soul he/she consents to his/her fate - because
this secret childlike love still wants to save the world.
Books: Bert Hellinger, G. Weber, H. Beaumont: Loveīs Hidden Symmetry
- What Makes Love Work in Relationships Videos: Trans-Generational Systemic Effects Obtainable from: Carl-Auer-Systeme-Verlag American NTSC-Video-System: Zeig, Tucker & Theisen Inc.
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